


on earth as it is in heaven

by throughadoor



Category: My So-Called Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-12-21
Updated: 2003-12-21
Packaged: 2018-01-25 03:14:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1628579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/throughadoor/pseuds/throughadoor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Well, I'm gonna light a candle for you on Christmas Eve."<br/>"Oh, yeah? Think that changes anything?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	on earth as it is in heaven

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Katta

 

 

"Well, I'm gonna light a candle for you on Christmas Eve." 

"Oh, yeah? Think that changes anything?" 

* 

Jordan is driving the car slowly out of the parking lot when the station wagon in front of you squeals forward and the Christmas tree strapped to its hood smashes back through the windshield. The first thing you register is gust of cold air and a rain of cold glass. 

Then there's a wet warmth that's not rain or snow or tears. 

Then there's nothing at all. 

You wake up to the sound of a frantic mutter and a soft clicking and you slowly realize, as though through a dense fog, that your aunt is sitting next to you, reciting the Our Father over and over and over in Spanish, rosary clutched in her lap. 

She makes it all the way to "en no nos deses cayer en la tentacion, mas libronos de todo mal, amen," three times before you open your eyes. She brings the rosary in her clenched palms to her chest and says, "Enrique! Dios mio! You're awake!" 

And then your uncle is there and he's smiling wide and not mad at all and all your cousins are there, too, even Rosa who moved to Florida and Manny who OD'd on coke when you were in middle school. 

And your mother is there even though you only know what she looks like from her senior picture, which was taken eight months before you were born, and your father, even though you don't know what he looks like or even who he is, and neither does anyone in your family. 

And everybody's happy and there's music and maybe bells, and Jordan walks in with nothing more than a Band-Aid over his left eyebrow, holding a dozen roses and inexplicably everything seems to be illuminated with a shiny white light. 

* 

Jordan is driving the car slowly out of the parking lot when the station wagon in front of you squeals forward and the Christmas tree strapped to its hood slides back in slow motion, landing with a loud thump in the space between the two cars. Jordan breaks and the car lurches a little bit, but you're fine. 

"Sorry," he mutters, making a wide lazy turn around the fallen tree. 

"It's okay," you say, and your voice sounds high and panicked in your head even though it was just a dead tree. 

Rayanne says Amber won't let them get a Christmas tree because she doesn't want something dead in her house that close to the Solstice. 

You wonder if the reason you didn't feel like you could stay at Rayanne's house was because you felt dead inside. 

* 

Jordan slows up to a changing stop light and there's silence between you that's so thick you think you're suffocating. You think you should say something, anything, that you should ask him about his car or the Frozen Embryos or what his father is like. 

Jordan points across the street to a group of girls in bright sweaters. "Is that Angela?" 

He leans out the window and shouts, "Angela! Angela!" and it's Angela and Rayanne, too, and they come over and they're both wearing the most beautiful sweaters in magenta and tangerine. 

"We're taking Rayanne to an AA meeting," Angela says, "she's going to start going to the meeting in the basement of that church downtown with the rose bushes, isn't that great?" 

You and Jordan both agree that it's wonderful and Rayanne offers you both cherry flavored lollypops. Jordan drives them to the church and when they get out, Angela leans through the window and says, "I just want to say, I am completely over you, Jordan Catalano, and I feel bad for having stood in the way so long when there's someone else who cares about you so much," and Jordan just smiles and tells them both to have a nice night and takes a long lick from his cherry lollypop while staring at you from the corner of his eye. 

* 

Jordan slows up to a changing stop light and there's silence between you that's so thick you think you're suffocating. You think you should say something, anything, that you should ask him about his car or the Frozen Embreos or what his father is like. 

Jordan points across the street to a group of girls in bright sweaters. "Is that Angela?" 

You glance up. "I think that girl has purple hair," you say. 

"Oh," Jordan says, and taps the gas. 

* 

Jordan pulls up to the curb in front of a creepy abandoned warehouse and you have to bite your lip so that you won't cry, because you are so fucking scared. 

Jordan says, "So, it's over there, is where you can, like, get in." 

"Great," you say. 

"So," Jordan says, and he taps his fingers against the steering wheel a little bit, like they're going stiff with cold. 

"Seriously, I can't thank you enough," you say, your fingers clutched in your coat. 

And then he looks over at you, really looks at you, and says "C'mere," and you scoot over in the seat a little bit, even though you don't know what he wants, because it's so cold out there and you'll do anything to stay in the car a little bit longer. And he leans forward and kisses you and his mouth is wet and warm and his fingers are cold but you twine them with yours and hold them close to your heart. And in that moment, it's like you can protect him or he can protect you or maybe you can both protect each other and he tugs you forward so that you're sitting in his lap. 

Somehow you make it fit, there's just enough room and the steering wheel doesn't even dig into your back. It doesn't matter that you've worn these same pants for the last three days and they're starting to smell like sweat and fear and they have a ketchup stain on the knee and a spot where they're sticky with honey on the right-hand pocket. 

You've been living on condiments but it doesn't matter. Jordan puts his hands on your face and they're cold but you blow on them to make them warm with your breath. He says, "Come home with me. Don't sleep here, come home with me. I want to make love to you," and all you are thinking is yes, yes, a thousand times yes. 

* 

Jordan pulls up to the curb in front of a creepy abandoned warehouse and you have to bite your lip so that you won't cry, because you are so fucking scared. 

Jordan says, "So, it's over there, is where you can, like, get in." 

"Great," you say. 

"So," Jordan says, and he taps his fingers against the steering wheel a little bit, like they're going stiff with cold. 

"Seriously, I can't thank you enough," you say, your fingers clutched in your coat. 

"No problem," he says, and reaches across your body to unlock the door. 

 


End file.
